check out.

Waiting in the check out I found myself checking out the items the young woman in front of me had.

Right away I have to admit that I was a little jealous and wished I had the same items in mine.

She was young, dressed nicely but not too much. I’m guessing by the time she might be a school teacher. She was married with two very large yet beautiful rings on her finger.
Her face kind yet poised.

I watched as one by one she stacked her items carefully, neatly:
Veggie burgers
Veggies
Candy
Salsa
A book ( I overheard her tell the cashier that her best friend wrote it and she was very excited).
A pregnancy test.

Now there could have been ice cream but that could have been just me hoping there would be some in the mix.

I found myself happy for her; excited even. I knew the kind of night she would have.

letting go.

Letting go.

I’m having trouble letting him go. He is growing up SO fast!

I need to trust him.
Trust his inner child.
I need to let go of ALL of the control. He doesn’t need me to tell him that he needs to go back because he missed 5 pages.

Thanksgiving

I am so thankful for God and all of His love and grace.

I am thankful He placed my husband and I together. And that our love stands the tests of time.

I am thankful for our boys and that He entrusted them to us.

I am thankful for a roof over our heads, clothes on our back, and food on our table.

I am so thankful for family and friends who we love and who love and help us.

I am thankful for living in this country and that I am aware of others who are suffering far worse than I am.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Growth in the Wind

Short and Stout
Is how you stood.

Long and Lanky
Is how you stand.

Baby, when do you grow?

Is it when the sun meets the moon,
when stars blink at night?

Or is it with every passing cloud?

Baby, when did you grow?

Was it inch by inch,
stretching out with each jump?

Or was it with each fleeting glimpse, each shiny smile?

I have noticed recently how tall Sebastian has gotten. I am not sure when but it happened. He looked so out of place in the baby swings yesterday. I called him spider legs.

I feel change in every breath of the wind.
God is placing some big things on my heart that I will share once I figure them all out.

The boys are going through many changes and we are struggling with each other. We will get through it though.

I find myself craving, needing space. A time of quiet. A time of solitude.

Purging

Lately my soul has felt heavy, overwhelmed. My spirit sometimes wants to jump. Jump out of the chaos, the hurt, the mainstream. It’s hard being a two sided mirror.
It’s hard wanting to live a life, provide a life for your family when you can’t afford to.

Before having kids my husband and I were on the same page when it came to raising our children. What we wanted them to play with – no plastic battery operated toys, no brands: Disney, nick jr. Etc. We wanted them outdoors, using nature and their imaginations.
Well somewhere in the business of life and marketing schemes we fell victim. Or rather our children did.

Our eldest looks for the on button.

The baby chews on all the toys, plastic toys which do not announce on the packaging that it is BPA free, lead free, etc.

Our pantry again is full of not awful foods but not necessarily the best, wholesome foods.

So, I have started purging. We are getting rid of all of the plastic, unimaginative toys.

Making life simple.

The house and our lives less chaotic.

There will be books, wooden blocks, wooden cars, puzzles, play scarves, river stones, sticks and such that they can play with.

I wrote on Ethan’s first birthday invitation not to buy him anything but if the individual felt the need to I gave them sites to buy from. Some may say that it is rude but why buy something that I am just going to turn around and get rid of?

Joy

Life is tough.
Days are lonely.

But these two bring me such joy!

Behind

 

I am behind.

It has been awhile.

There have been many struggles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But the past is behind me, behind us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Boundaries are going up, they must.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stronger, healthy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will be who I have always wanted to be….no.

Who I already am, she’s just hiding down at her core.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will raise my children as I have always dreamed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And will not let people tell me otherwise, will not allow critics to criticize.

Occupied.

The view from my kitchen sink yesterday morning:

nighttime self lovin.

The evenings have been EXTREMELY stressful lately. Chris is hardly home until we are all in bed- Ethan has difficulty falling asleep and screams(some nights can take up to 1 1/2 hours) – Sebastian has been suddenly procrastinating bedtime as well.
It leaves me frazzled and ready for bed knowing they will wake me up often before 6…and through the night.

So you can imagine my NEED for unwinding.

I love to lay on my back when I get into bed since I have been on my feet most of the day.

I take a bunch of DEEP breaths.

With each breath I breathe in a “goal” and breathe out a quality I don’t want.

Breathe in love, breathe out hate.

Breathe in patience, breathe out anxiety.

Etc.

Then I make my self present. Get to know and acknowledge my body.

I start at my toes.

Telling myself to feel my toes relaxing.

When I can feel them relax, I pay attention and can feel it moving into my foot, ankles, legs,and so forth.

It’s easy fir my mind to wander but when I notice I gently bring myself back.

Sometimes I fall asleep before I finish.

Sometimes I finish and keep thinking about who I want to be, what changes I’m going through.

Other times, I roll over and fall fast asleep.

It’s so important to pay attention to what’s happening with your body and where your mind wants to be.
It’s even more important when your a mother with everyone elses needs coming first.

What do you do to unwind and relax?

Rope Swing and BBQs

I have a video I want to share, but it won’t load…please come back later when I can get it loaded….

Yesterday afternoon my husband got out his climbing gear…climbed one of the trees lining our driveway and then hooked up Sebastian and the other kids that on this property to a harness and we swung them into the dinner hours.  Then we gathered on the patio for a mini BBQ.  It was awesome and connected and the kids had a blast.

The kids ended the evening catching and chasing fireflies and one last swing on the tree.

Beautiful!

🙂

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Friday, the wee ones and I went for a walk around the farm and went to the field where we used to run around and fly kites in between the horses and corn.  It hasn’t been mowed but that didn’t stop Sebastian from picking wildflowers and chasing butterflies and other bugs.

Remember how Ethan likes to hold hands?  He discovered Buzz’s hand yesterday…

What are you doing this lovely weekend?